So, I feel like I kind of glossed over Thalia and the Gitrog Monster in my last post, which seems wrong considering how much time and money I devoted to her during my cEDH journey.
I mean, I bought not one, not two, but three dual lands before abandoning the deck three months later for my next brainchild.
Recently, I stumbled across my original decklist from the one and only league game I played with Thalia at another local shop. Shout out to Curio Caverns!
I did great!
Not!
I came in last place.
Shocker.
Naturally, I had to take another look at that list. Because apparently, embarrassing myself once wasn’t enough. I needed to revisit the evidence and confirm just how badly I’d managed to sabotage my own game plan.
The Birthday Beach Trip
I assembled Thalia over my birthday week at the beach, a year after that fateful game with Super Sean and Awesome Andie. Because apparently, building a cEDH deck at the beach is just what you do when you’re me in October.
I even convinced my wonderfully supportive husband to drive me around to all the Virginia Beach MTG shops in search of more affordable cards.
Shoutout to Tower of Games and The Booster Box! I had a ton of fun at both shops and highly recommend them.
For the cards we couldn’t find, we spent an hour at Staples printing proxies and cutting them to size.
Side Note: Proxies Are Good, Actually
I fully support printing proxies when building decks, provided they’re printed in color and the deck is uniform in thickness.
I want to see how you pilot your deck. Not everyone can afford a set of dual lands and Moxes just to compete in this format.
There are already sooooo many paywalls in the world. A game that’s supposed to be fun shouldn’t have to be another one.
And technically, it was all a tree at some point.
You’re welcome.
The Cracking Packs Delusion
At this point, I was riding a serious cracking-packs high.
Every shop I visited, I bought a pack or two. Never more than four-ish, because apparently I did have some self-control.
Or a husband who didn’t want to blow our entire vacation fund on Magic: The Gathering cards.
I pulled two Esper Sentinels, a Ragavan, an Elesh Norn, and a Storybook Smothering Tithe.
I had this whole MTG thing on lock. Nothing was going to slow me down!
I was unstoppable!
I couldn’t wait to get back to Born2Game, my home shop, (shout out Born2Game) and show everyone my genius.
I’d like to claim I was an idiot savant.
But instead, I took a shortcut and stopped at idiot.
How to Shut Down Your Own Deck
Looking at this decklist now, I’m questioning my ability to use deductive reasoning.
I couldn’t have worked harder to beat myself if I’d tried.
Who needs three other players when I can screw myself over?
In my quest to control what everyone else could do, I was shutting down my own board.
Let’s start with the commander.
Thalia and the Gitrog Monster costs four mana: (1WBG).
That’s not terrible in a casual game. But in today’s cEDH meta, four mana is A LOT.
There are ways to help get a four-mana commander onto the battlefield faster. Most involve cheap or zero-mana acceleration, like Mox Diamond, Mox Amber, Lotus Petal, and Chrome Mox.
I only added the last two in my quest to keep the deck “affordable.”
And then I added Vexing Bauble, because apparently I enjoy being my own biggest speed bump.
But why stop there?
Let’s double down and add Collector Ouphe, because who needs Sol Ring, Arcane Signet, or Mana Vault anyway?
Not me, apparently.
And if that wasn’t enough, let’s protect my right to shut myself out of the game with Dosan the Falling Leaf, Grand Abolisher, Myrel, Shield of Argive, and Kutzil, Malamet Exemplar.
Because nothing says I’m ready to win quite like assembling a board that makes life difficult for everyone, including me.
At least when I finally realize I’ve locked myself out of doing anything useful, I can cast Abrupt Decay and start the whole miserable process over again.
Problem solved!
Except, you know, the actual problem.
Four Win Conditions and a Dream
I did have four win conditions.
Previously, I reported only one, and I was wrong. But that’s by far the least of my cEDH war crimes.
My four lines were:
- Chain of Smog + Witherbloom Apprentice
- Chain of Smog + Professor Onyx
- Heliod, Sun-Crowned + Walking Ballista
- The Protean Hulk line, involving Samwise Gamgee, Cauldron Familiar, and Viscera Seer
Four different lines. Four different setups. Four opportunities to convince myself that I knew what I was doing.
The problem?
I had four win conditions on paper, but only one I could reliably remember during a game.
And naturally, it was the one my opponents could interrupt.
My friend Jacob took full advantage of that fact several times, much to my dismay.
Emotional Damage: The Jacob Chronicles
There’s no greater emotional whiplash than getting the one win condition you’re most confident in onto the battlefield, thinking you’ve finally got this game under control, and then having your friend blow you out of the water.
Picture the scene.
Me: I’ll tap a green and a black and play Witherbloom Apprentice.
It resolves?
Yes?
Excellent.
I’ll tap two mana for Chain of Smog.
It resolves?
Yes?
Beautiful. I’ll target myself.
Two cycles in…
Jacob: I’d like to respond.
Insert emotional damage meme here.
And just like that, my beautiful little plan was in pieces.
Ugh.
This cEDH format is hard.
There has got to be an easier way to go about this.
Enter: The Next Terrible Idea
Wait…
What’s this mono-red card I see?
The one that gets passed around more than a cigarette in a high school bathroom?
Kids, don’t do that. It’s not worth it. Spend the money on Magic: The Gathering cards instead. Some of them might even hold their value or increase in price.
Priorities, people.
Let me introduce you to…
Slicer, Hired Muscle.
What in the Hell was I thinking?
Leave a Reply